Much better, thanks for asking

A brief medical update to let everyone know I am feeling MUCH better. I have finished my latest round of antibiotics and although I have not been back to the doctors yet for my follow-up, I am feeling about a million times better. That was an awful two weeks that I don't care to repeat anytime soon and I am shocked at how it affected me, it was strangling the life out of me.

I have still resolved though to love myself more, to cut myself more slack. This is monumental for me and still quite a work in progress. Reading, Eat Pray Love has left me craving for more like it so I am searching out similar books. So far I have been recommended, The Secret (which previously I passed on) and Simple Abundance, which I swear I have read before. Clearly, it is working, I am so focused and relaxed and all.

I wonder though who among us could really up and check out of their life to go on such a pilgrimage? It feels selfish to even think about doing something like that. I think this kind of introspection and searching for one's true core borders on decadence, this type of self-exploration is perhaps better left for the young and free. I am not saying this is not worthwhile decadence, just not a realistic pursuit for me in this chapter of my life.

The window of opportunity for this type of fancy free exploration has passed me by. You need to forgo all else in this pursuit and I think you would be hard-pressed to find many Mom's able to do this. Whether the reason is financial (who can afford to leave their job?), emotional (who wants to leave their kids and spouse for months at a time?), we need to find a condensed version of the journey. Yes, that is exactly what I need the Reader's Digest version of finding one's true self.

My husband has always been supportive of me not being around. He loves to take the girls out shopping or running errands alone. He relishes his time alone with them. He leaves me to fuss around the house in complete silence or occasionally steal away to have a coffee and read a magazine. He has been telling me for years to go away with the girls or even by myself. 'Get away for a while' he tells me all the while I am imagining just how their hair would look while I am gone.

Of course he can hold down the fort, but money isn't exactly falling around me in a happy rain so there is also that to consider. A weekend away however, is entirely doable. I have gone overnight once with the girls, but was back home in less than 48 hours - it was one night after all. And we stayed in the city, by my definition that is not really away. It was fun though and so nice to do what I pleased, but that is not even entirely true as I was with two other people. Thinking about it now maybe going somewhere alone is just what I need. It feels scandalous to even think about it, stay-at-home Mom's just don't up and leave the homestead do they?

I can hear your murmurs, "her husband says go and she is complaining" let it be known I realize I am grateful to have such a supportive husband. It is one thing to think about doing something and actually doing it. A huge part of me is wondering if I can get past the trepidation and do it. It is my own reservations here that is the fuel burning wildly and keeping me from doing it.

I have prattled enough for one post. If anyone has read any good books that they want to recommend let me know. Have any of you tried to check out of the homestead with the sole purpose of discovering yourself? I would be interested in hearing about it.

For you Canucks don't forget the CBC Test the Nation: Trivia challenge tonight...I was the winner of the Language challenge (not by much though) so we are having round two tonight.

Flower Girls

My brother is getting married next weekend. Both the girls are flower girls, their first time and they are practically bursting with excitement. We have been to many dress fittings and related getting ready for a wedding errands. Tonight is the wedding rehearsal at 7:30pm at the Church, a time that normally would be filled with nice, quiet activities before bed. I fear going out to something so thrilling at bedtime may bring on a level of excited behaviour I am frankly not up for tonight.

After the rehearsal is dinner, which we may or may not attend. It is being held at my Step-Mom's house - my brother's Mom - the back story being my Dad and Mom divorced when I was quite young. My Dad remarried and had two more children, the elder, my brother is getting married next weekend. My Dad has since passed away, 11 years ago this August, he was 48 years old.

She lives about 30 minutes away from the Church so we may pass since this means the party will be starting around 9pm, and while I feel bad, it is just so late for the girls and to top it off it is another 30-40 minute drive back to our house after the party.

Rosebud has been fighting a cold for the last few days and I just want her to get all the rest she can this weekend. This wedding while we are involved we are not. It is just one of those things. The bride has a huge and involved family who are really handling everything well, not to mention her sister, cousins and countless friends. While we picked the dresses for the girls together the rest has really been all me. Deciding on their shoes, hairstyle, etc. has been fun in an exhausting kind of way. It is strange to be a part of the wedding and so much on the outside, odd somehow.

Hubby and I have also prepared the slide show for the wedding, all of their baby pictures and together pictures set to music all thanks to Hubby's talents in iMovie (I think?) anyway it is so amazing and quite a tear-jerker. No one has seen it except my sister and my Mom so I am really excited to show this off at the wedding. We never did anything like this for our wedding and I kind of wish we did, I guess it wasn't the rage ten years ago.

This wedding while a fun distraction and joyous event is bringing to the surface many, many wishes and regrets. My Dad should be here to see this, to set everyone straight, to witness his second eldest getting married. I think by now everyone thinks, while this was a tragedy, you really should have moved on by now. And I have in many ways. This wedding though is different, my babies will walk down the aisle so proud and my heart will be leaping with a million bounces of joy and be breaking into a million shards of sorrow too. I am so happy both my Mother and her husband and my in-laws will be there to see the spectacle. I want the girls to know they are loved by so many people and their circle of family may not be conventional (my Mom is attending my brother's wedding) it is full of love for them. They have three "Grandma's" and they love them all. They are lucky girls for sure. I just wish that providence saw to it that we were just a tiny bit luckier. That would have been something. Of course, even saying this out loud makes me want to knock on everything, in hopes that God knows how truly and grateful and blessed I feel. I am blessed, I know that, my heart just needs convincing sometimes.

From a Distance

My favourite easy listening station has gone to the all Christmas all the time format. I have heard the Bette Midler song, "From a Distance" many times in the last week or so and each time I cannot get over how moving the lyrics are to me.

It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance.

At this time of year when some of us ramp up our involvement in our church and spend more time contemplating our faith I cannot help but wonder about this. I was raised a Catholic and my girls are going to Catholic school. It is my belief that while faith, morals and values should be taught at home and by example - I take comfort that my daughter's school is echoing what she sees and learns at home. My husband is Greek Orthodox and by all accounts was raised in a household of devotion. He however, finds his faith more in humanity as opposed to the Church. He believes that there is good in everyone (a notion I must admit I find hard to embrace sometimes). Faith is such a personal matter yet it is something we seek to share with others.

My Mom has always held along with her faith the belief that "everything happens for a reason". She firmly believes in a bigger picture we may not be able to understand and everything falls within this Divine plan. Again, this is something I find hard to fully embrace. Why would God take my father from me at age 48 six weeks after I got engaged? What good ever came of this? How could this be a part of any Divine plan? The two miscarriages we have suffered - this was supposedly, "for a reason". What possible reason could this be? Why would God take these babies?

I realize their are so many people in the world with much larger crosses to bear I am but a tiny drop in the bucket of worshippers on this planet. I am certainly no wise theologian or worldly scholar and do not have the answers - what I have is faith.

This time of year opens us up to reflection. Jesus is coming to save us and for this we rejoice. Faith is about having trust and confidence in something even if you cannot see it or touch it. Faith is about believing when you have no proof. My research and fact obsessed mind does believe and for this I am thankful. Some days this is easier than others mind you. Some days I just want to feel sad and angry and not really believe. Deep down though I know I still believe no matter how sad or angry I am.

God is watching us and for this I am grateful. I pray our loved ones no longer with us are at peace and are guiding us through the rest of our days. I love you Dad and think of you everyday. I see you in the faces of the granddaughters you never met. Proof in my mind that God is watching and blessing us every day.

Peace to all this holiday season.