Milestones

No not the restaurant, not that the salad with those spicy pecans isn't pretty good. Papoosie Girl lost her first tooth this past week! Actually, lost is not exactly true, I kind of pulled it (gently!) out for her. She has been having a bit of a problem with her bottom two middle teeth (technical name?) as her "big" grown-up teeth are already in behind her baby teeth. The dentist encouraged her to wiggle as much as possible as the grown-up teeth need their space and those baby teeth need to make an exit - fast. If not they will need to be pulled in the next few weeks. So finally, one of them got a little wiggly. Of course after a crazy March Break filled with a fun trip to Niagara Falls for a few days and many errands and outings I was not exactly paying close attention to said teeth.


One night after supper she told me it was loose and being the ever-present-in-the-moment Mom I had a close look, discussed it carefully with her, and gently told her what I was doing and pulled it out ever so softly. Or, if you had a spy-cam in my house you would know it was more like, yeah yeah it is loose, "great honey" while I was busy doing something important like picking up the blankets and pillows from the floor for the sixth time in the past hour. I did manage to peer in right before bath and I could see the tooth (kind of gross but accurate description) could bend all the way over in both directions. I took a facecloth and without really thinking asked to have a closer look and - yikes - pulled it out. I was surprised at how much it bled, but after lots of rinsing with cold water all was well and she was thrilled.


By now you have probably figured out I didn't exactly think this through so well. Now I am in a whole new territory involving that ever stylish tooth chaser, the Tooth Fairy. We have a dilemma, several actually, but I am getting ahead of myself. We girls are flying solo on this night as Daddy is working late. Papoosie Girl is desperate to show Daddy the tooth and is so excited we make a few calls to Daddy and Nana to share our good news. She begins to regale me with stories of classmates who have received $5 and even $10 from the Tooth Fairy, at this point all I can think of is, what is in my wallet, anything?

At this point my girls are clean and we are back downstairs for our milk and snack before bed. Papoosie Girl is extremely upset because she wants to simultaneously leave her tooth for the Tooth Fairy and keep it to show Daddy. Thinking as fast as one can at 7pm after being with two small children all day, I suggest we write a quick note to the Tooth Fairy asking if we can, under these special circumstances, keep the tooth. We have several books that talk about losing teeth and a critical component of this transaction that has not gone unnoticed by Papoosie Girl, is the fact that the tooth is taken away. She is genuinely distressed about this and decides to not even leave the tooth at all, just forfeit any potential loot to keep her tooth. After much convincing we decide to write a note to the Tooth Fairy asking for permission to keep the tooth. So the note goes into the baggie with the tooth.

So now she lies fast asleep, with her tooth and note in a baggie under her pillow and I face yet another dilemma. What will the Tooth Fairy say to Papoosie Girl and how much money, if any at all will she leave? This is when having a hard-working husband who works long hours sucks. I called my best friend who like me thinks anything beyond a loonie or twoonie is ridiculous. Since I have a twoonie and no loonie, a twoonie it is. Now I have the loot, I need to work on the note. As you can see I was not very creative by this time...not to mention I am getting a little scared she is going to notice soon that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy have similar penmanship. So the note is removed from the baggie and the card from the Tooth Fairy is left on her desk with her tooth.

Whew. I was exhausted by the end of the evening. This little milestone not only made me so wistful for the day when that little tooth broke through for the first time, it made me so sad to realize these milestones are making way for other accomplishments. Like everyone I poured over the checklists of milestones. Holds head up, smiles, coos, rolls over, sits, first tooth, stands, walks; and always was thrilled when one of the girls hit the milestone. I diligently kept track of the ages of each of these and was always looking forward to the next one. Now Papoosie Girl's milestones are so lofty as reading, writing, adding and subtracting. While these thrill me in so many ways, I pine sometimes for those baby steps in the first few years. My heart aches a little when I see her gap-toothed smile. Where are all those perfect Chicklet baby teeth going? I don't want to see my daughters wee six year old mouth full of those monster grown-up teeth. Is it bad to admit that I love her perfect baby teeth?

The flood of emotions caught me off guard. I had never given much thought to losing teeth since Papoosie Girl's have been so firmly intact. It is a visible sign every time she smiles that she is growing up, a real punch in the gut. How can you want so badly to see and meet this person your child is becoming and at the same time miss the baby they were so much you feel sick?

Milestones are like that. As much as you eagerly await them, they bring you one step further away from where you started.


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Technical Edit Note:
I fought long and hard with iPhoto to edit the top photo to remove the TV and to rotate that image and by gosh it did edit and rotate every time, it just never stayed....so sorry to those more capable than I who are cringing right about now.

How much is enough?

A couple of things of late have led me to this topic. I have just read Peter Walsh's new book, It's all too Much - An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff. I thought this book would be a nuts and bolts plan for decluttering your life and it does cover that. The real purpose though is to figure out why you are keeping so much stuff and why you keep buying more stuff. Walsh blames our constant need for more on a lot of this, that and the fact that we cannot seem to part with anything. We are lured by the words 2 for 1 or buy 1 get 2 free and this supplies our homes with a steady supply of stuff; this coupled with our inability to get rid of anything means we are drowning within our own walls.

This premise, that what we covet and so actively seek out for our own happiness, is actually what is making us so unhappy and unhealthy is what interested me. Your stuff starts to own you and this what Walsh tries to uncover. He makes reference to the fact that while the average house size (in the US) has gone up by half the self-storage facility industry has grown by 75%. Apparently, people are more than willing to store it rather than sort it. I find that so unbelievable.

"We are at the center of an orgy of consumption, and many are now seeing that this need to own so much comes with a heavy price: Kids so overstimulated by the sheer volume of stuff in their home that they lose the ability to concentrate and focus."


This book is great and goes beyond the idea of buying a few totes and stashing things away. He has focused plans for each room and walks you through the steps. In the end, most people realize that all the stuff that they "could not live without" is easily given up and not missed a bit. Walsh talks about imagining the life you want. Is your home your refuge from the world, your place to connect as a family? His plans help you achieve that. While I don't have a horrible clutter problem now, I used to. I have come to realize that keeping a few choice precious mementos is more meaningful than boxes of stuff. If your use of space doesn't match your priorities Walsh can help. Sorting the memories or perceived value of an item, from the actual item is key and this is Walsh's specialty.

Since Alpha Dogma tagged me for a long forgotten meme I am going to use this book since I was planning on talking a bit about it anyway. Here are the instructions:

Find the nearest book. Name the Author & title. Turn to page 123. Post sentences 6-8. Tag three more people. (Tagging not likely since this made the rounds a while ago.)

Page 123-This is the second page of Chapter 3 Family and Living Rooms. Here are the sentences (as best as I can there a few bullets in the area):

Gary and Marie have three young children. They live in an 1,800-square foot home. When I first saw their living room it was a catch-all for anything you can imagine - clothing, books, mail, the kids' toys, crafting materials, even two large stacks of romance novels that Marie had recently collected from her grandmother's home.

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Bub & Pie's recent post about narcissism and the subsequent thought-provoking comments also got me thinking about how much is enough these days. This applies to so many things (see above), how many toys, books, time with you, time without you, time as a couple, activities, lessons, the list is endless. We talk a lot in the blogging world about balance, how to achieve it and if it is even possible.

Christmas 2005 we decided that each girl was going to get five gifts. I picked five as a random number and it just stuck. We don't give the girls any gifts from us just from Santa. So five gifts from Santa and their stockings. Leading up the holidays I found myself struggling to come up the one gift, you know the one, the one they gasp over and won't put down for days. Since I had "given away" many of the gifts I knew they really wanted to grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents and friends; my list was a little dry. Feeling stupid for not saving at least one for us to give the girls I came up with idea of sticking to five gifts and that could include pajamas, books and toys.

In the end I did come up with some great and well used and loved gifts. My girls were completely happy and satisfied Christmas morning and it was not at all hours of endless gift opening and tossing. What I wasn't prepared for though were some of the comments from some of our friends. Many clearly felt five gifts was pretty chintzy and I was shocked. How many gifts does a one year old or three year old need? I mean they get gifts from at least six other sources, as it was I felt they were getting too much. I am no Scrooge I promise you, but when I am struggling to come up with gifts they would truly love and play with - the key word being struggle - you know they are not wanting for anything. They can always use more books and passes to places like the zoo or Science Centre are always appreciated, but really more crap - no thanks.

We are still sticking by our rule three years later and I think it is great. I know exactly how many to buy for each girl and it forces me to think a little harder. One family we know bought each child over twenty gifts to open and several were the big ticket items. I just don't see the point of that. They also let one of their children spend all of their birthday money in Toys R Us a month before Christmas. While I am not at all a wooden toys and cloth dolls only Mom - Nickelodeon characters are my friends - I sure value the quality gifts much more than another plastic piece of junk that will be broken or forgotten in a few days.

This theory also applied to our "big trip" last summer to Disney World. Hubby felt strongly at first that this was just too much to give them at such an early age. Would they start expecting such grand holidays all the time? We used all our Air Miles and loyalty points so the flights, hotel and car rental were covered - what I am getting at it is it isn't likely another trip of this scale will be happening for quite some time. Turns out we all had an amazing time, the reconnection as a family without any distractions was just what we needed. They talk about our trip all the time, but show no signs of being spoiled about it all. They were more than thrilled with our three day trip to Collingwood over the Christmas holidays.

I think we are just used to getting and giving too much. With dollar stores in every plaza and toys chests in every restaurant kids (and us too) are used to walking away with something in our hands. Don't get me wrong I love to shop, it is recreational for me sometimes, but I have seen the hazards of tripping over hundreds of dollar store toys. What is the point? Why do you need a hundred of something when a handful will suffice. In terms of giving, when did we create so many new holidays and occasions? We have the requisite Mother's and Father's Day, Easter and Valentine's Day, and now there are St. Patrick's Day gifts and cards in stores. Even engagements and baptisms have become a reason to have a fancy party. More and more frequently we are being invited to these type of parties, and by this I mean, 50+ people, sit-down dinner, often dancing, and oh yeah a gift or envelope. I mean I am happy for them and all and I would encourage them to have a lovely dinner with both sets of parents, but I have been to these engagement parties where if the priest had been willing we could have been done with it on the spot. Add to this the shower and wedding gifts and it really does seem overboard.

I worry that I am becoming a big old curmudgeon. I would never want my kids to want for anything, but more and more I am realizing more is not necessarily better; in fact it IS worse. A blog I wish I had more time to visit My Dog Harriet posted recently about an article in New York Magazine and the hazards of over praising, which ties in so nicely with Bub & Pie's post. This is something I have long thought and have commented on before on other blogs. Following around little Timmy all day with a steady stream of, "good job and you are the best" cannot be good for a child. How do they know when they really are doing a good job? What about when they know they are not trying hard and are getting the same recognition as when they do? Go read the article you will be amazed at the connections they make between self-esteem and over praising; feeding right in to the narcissism debate. You will be surprised when you realize that we all absently do this, especially when our little prodigies are holding up something for us to see and we are busy doing something else.

Where is this all going? We are constantly surrounded by too much stuff. It might be physical stuff like toys, books or clothes. It might be media that floods into your life on every possible channel. It might be giving too much praise (or the wrong kind) to your children. I think it is important that however you define balance for your family, that you actively try to achieve it. Personally, when I let things slide is usually when I feel my most scattered and helpless. When I make an effort to stay present and in control of our stuff we have more time for the things we love doing, whether it is a Scrabble game before bed or a trip to the park.

More and more I am working on making our home and our lives less filled with stuff. When this happens my life opens up to all the other things I want to fill it with and that makes me feel good inside. I will never shun shopping or toys for my kids, but I will try very hard to limit the flow coming into our house. I love a good Coach bag as much as the next gal, but I don't need twenty purses, one or two will do. Now the new Aerosole sandals I saw...that is another story.

How quickly things change

I went to Papoosie Girl's school today to register Rosebud for Junior Kindergarten in the fall. It seems like yesterday we were registering Papoosie Girl. I remember so clearly heading over to the school so nervous and nauseous over the fact that my baby was going to be in school soon. Rosebud was an infant in her car seat and slept through the entire thing. I remember carefully gathering all the forms and required information before we went. Birth certificate - check - Baptismal certificate - check - Yellow immunization thing - check, check, check. Hubby came home early, it certainly was an occasion.

I remember walking into the school feeling very excited and scared and wondering how on earth is my little baby girl going to manage in this big bad school. It did not help that registration was two months after her third birthday and she was still in pull-ups at the time. I remember the reverence of the occasion and the fact that hubby left work early so we could be there right at 7pm. I remember the irrational, unavoidable things running circles in my head, would they like us, would they like her, would they see the unique, special, gifted girl that we so clearly did?

Once the forms were completed (there were many!) we looked around a bit and met the principal and vice-principal (both women) and felt a bit better about handing over our precious, delicate, no one knows her better than us firstborn; in a few short months. The school is relatively small, around 450 kids at the time and the atmosphere was very friendly. Despite my trepidations I did feel that Papoosie Girl would be in good hands. We left our registration experience relieved and thankful we had several months before September and this started for real.

After our meet the teacher night in early September and our staggered visits to the school throughout early September, it was finally time for her first real day of school with half of the class. I was so much more overwhelmed than I thought I would be. We got her dressed oh so cute in her skirt and top and Dora shoes and strapped on her Dora backpack that was as big as she was. I had a lump in my throat and tried to put on a brave face for everyone, especially Papoosie Girl. Once she was in the little yard, we waited for the bell and watched her walk inside. As you can see from the photo, letting go is so hard sometimes. Parents are not allowed inside at all in her school and what the photos don't show are some parents trying to pry off screaming children from around their necks. How was Papoosie Girl you ask? Fine of course, no tears, no drama, a smile and a wave and she was gone.

Once she was inside I told hubby to head to work, Rosebud and I were going for a walk. After walking and crying for a while I headed to our local grocery store that has a little cafe area. I grabbed a coffee and sat down. Hubby walks in about a minute later, he tried to go to work but decided he needed to see me again, to make sure I wasn't as unraveled as he felt. I remember thinking I have children and they are old enough to go to school, how did that happen? When did she get so big? I say this every day practically, with almost no recollection of the hundreds of times I have said it before. These kids, they get big so fast and each time you realize it - it is like realizing it for the first time again and again.

So back to today. Certainly, this was not an occasion on the same scale as it was for Papoosie Girl. I am a member of the School Council, I am familiar with the school, the principal, secretary and many teachers. I frequently visit the school and certainly do not feel nervous or sick upon entering these halls. I popped into the office, got the forms, filled them out and that was it. Rosebud wanted to visit the fish in the library before we left, so we did. And that was it, done. She is officially registered for JK in the fall. No drama, no anxiety other than I feel really old today. Me, school-age kids, what?

I am sure I will be nervous on Rosebud's first day of school, anxious even at the thought of her starting school. It really is a huge step when school enters a child's life. It is a lifelong relationship they are starting with school and learning. A relationship I enjoyed so much as a child and want to pass along in my girls - badly. I want them to love school, want to learn, be curious, make friends, grow up and save the world - a parent can dream. Actually, my dreams and goals for them are not so important. I want them to realize their own, whatever they might be. I know that a good foundation in learning will take them wherever their hearts desire. If I am measured by nothing else but this, I will have done a remarkable thing in my lifetime.

Today was the first step for Rosebud. Even if the day was not a colossal event of time's past, it was important and I am glad I have recorded it. The relaxed visit to the school today might have been a big change, but that is fine by me. Sometimes change is good.

Snow!

I know most of my friends in Southern Ontario enjoyed a lovely snowstorm yesterday. I think some of you may still be enjoying it today.

We had fun last night and while I should be finishing my post, these photos are much cuter than my boring old words.

Hope everyone is safe and sound while they dig out.

Prepared?

Recently, I have been seeing ads by Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness Canada. These ads encourage you to assemble an emergency kit to be prepared for the first 72 hours of an emergency. This is the window of time when emergency workers help those in urgent need and may not be able to help your family.

Being the type of person that I am, I make haste and get over to the website. They have an Emergency Preparedness Guide you can download and after going through it I am concerned. There are three steps: Know the risks, Make a Plan and Prepare a Kit. Sounds simple, right? It is in many ways, but I think the underlying feeling I got was - the worst is coming you had better get ready. This is not meant to sound flip, it is just a general feeling I got while visiting the site and contemplating what would lead us to such a scenario.

I love being prepared don't get me wrong. I am the mom who packs a spare outfit for when the spare outfit is dirty. I am the person our friends come to for an Advil, pad, bib, etc. when we are traveling or on an outing. I thrive on preparedness, take pride it even. This however, pushes the envelope even for me. Not the entire concept, just some of the material contained in the guide.

Step 1 is to Know the Risks, Know your Region. Below is from the guide.

"Although the consequences of disasters can be similar, knowing the risks specific to your region can help you prepare yourself better. Across Canada we face a number of hazards, from earthquakes in British Columbia, to blizzards in Nunavut, to hurricanes in New Brunswick. In addition to natural disasters there are other types of risks, such as blackouts, industrial or transportation accidents, and the possibility of acts of terrorism on Canadian soil. We need to prepare for all types of emergencies."

How on earth are we supposed to know if our region is at risk for acts of terrorism, an infectious disease breakout, or a blackout? I realize that urban areas are more likely targets for some disasters, but more and more there really are no safe areas. If there are safe areas I want to move there. The blackout in August 2003 not only effected several provinces it effected two countries. I agree that there are some disasters you can prepare for based on where you live, but I think it is naive and misleading to think we can simply put all these items in a box and be prepared. Is this supposed to make me feel better?

I live in fear everyday since becoming a parent. My heart clutches when you hear stories like Kati Kim and her children. I wonder how I would have coped, would I have been able to keep my family alive in such a situation? I pray that is never tested. I think about all the families in countries at war, how do mothers make their children feel better when they live their life in a state of emergency?

There really is nothing wrong with having some basic supplies in your home so you are prepared if your power goes out or there is a blizzard or flood. I was eight months pregnant with Rosebud when we had the blackout in August 2003, and was thankful we had water and food at home and managed quite fine for our 24 hours without power. A friend delivered her baby that day in a hospital running on auxiliary power. It is good to be prepared, no doubt.

We live in a world rife with fear. Turning on our radios, televisions and computers bring scary stories to us every day. I choose not to let fear control my life. I don't think we can ever really be fully prepared for an emergency, but I have faith that I would rise to the occasion and would fight hard to keep my family safe no matter what the situation.

We do this everyday without even realizing it. We make decisions that effect the health and well-being of our family and in a way this is about being prepared. We read books, search the Internet for answers, solicit advice from other parents and seek out people facing the same problems in their families.

Am I prepared for everything? No, certainly not. What I am prepared for, is trying to do the best by my family everyday, no matter what the situation, for the rest of my life.

Complicated

It might seem from my blog that I don't write much about Papoosie Girl, and in fact I think it is kind of true. It is easy to write about Rosebud, she is much more simple to document and capture in words. At three her personality is only so deep and our relationship is still very much in a honeymoon phase. She doesn't wake me up at night every two hours and doesn't argue with me about every little detail all day either. Rosebud and I live in a kind of harmony etched out by our day to day outings and activities, where it is just the two of us. She has been known to say, "It's nice when it is just the two us." Indeed it is.

That is not to say I don't adore Papoosie Girl, because I do. She is a complicated creature straining against my Mommyness some days and it can be so tiring. Most days pass by fairly uneventfully and for the most part she is a good girl. She follows our family rules, adores her sister and plays with her, and generally doesn't give us a hassle. There have been glimpses though of what is to come, and it is not pretty. She is extremely stubborn, and I think she may have come by that naturally, which has already led to some locked horns situations. You can reason with her most of the time, but these exchanges are exhausting. We are both spent by the end and often words have been exchanged that you want to swallow back up. Somehow I thought I would have more time before this started. More time before it became complicated, if you know what I mean.

I look at her reading on the couch and wonder where did this girl come from? Where did this little girl reading "chapter" books come from? I can't be old enough for a child who can read! After a quick browse through Chapters you quickly realize that this mother-daughter relationship is a topic many people have tried to explain. The fierce pride, complete exasperation, and undying love I feel can never truly be explained though. In my heart of hearts I really wanted a girl and secretly was sure Papoosie Girl was a girl. I have mentioned this before and while a healthy baby was the ultimate wish I was always nervous of having a boy. As an only child and no cousins I saw regularly, I had no exposure or experience with little boys until I started babysitting; and let's just say that impression was not favourable. I have come to love and appreciate little boys through my godson, from the delivery room to his four year old exuberance I am beginning to understand. Boys are different and that is alright, I get it now. I am not nearly as scared.

I so want for Papoosie Girl and Rosebud to think of me as someone who they can rely on and most importantly understand. I think the most tragic thing would be to hear my children say they just never understood me or worse I didn't understand them. I wonder sometimes how it can seem so complicated now, she is six! I feel like we are already approaching the brink of moving from total dependence to total indifference. That scares me, a lot.

Today at the doctors to check her sore ear again she is my little girl. She wants Mommy beside her holding her hand as the doctor pokes around. For the moment we are Mommy and daughter again, no hassles, no sighing, no drama; just the two of us together. Naturally, I start to think of my relationship with my own Mom and how the cycle is continuing. I adore my Mom and she is the one person on this earth who truly knows me best. Hubby knows me well of course too, but this relationship, from birth, through childhood, adolescence and finally to me as a mother is long-standing. My Mom is my inspiration and while it was not always a perfect relationship I have never felt cut off from my mother in any way. I always knew she loved me even if she wasn't liking me very much sometimes.

I am sure I will have lots more to say about this: one girl + one girl + one mother = years of fun...
I never thought I would feel the angst so early in our relationship. I thought it never would be complicated at such an early age and maybe it is just my own worrying bringing me down a bit. I do that sometimes, worry, that is.

Love you Papoosie Girl. You are a bright shining light in my life. You never back down and I so love your strong will, never lose it sweetie. My sweet little Tinkerbell, I hope we have many more years of fairy dust upon us.

Meme too, just weirder

I know getting tagged for a meme is a huge compliment, so why then am I sweating? At least it is a topic close to my heart - how weird I can be.

Thanks to Mimi for this lovely compliment and her efforts to find out "what lies under that so-reasonable demeanor" of mine. Well, I don't know about my demeanor but here goes on the weirdness.

1) I have a Geography/Urban Studies degree yet it does nothing for my horrible sense of space or direction. I have listened to lectures, read textbooks and written papers on these topics and yet still I need very detailed instructions to move about easily. I have been known to take a longer route to somewhere just so I get there at all. This also extends to shopping malls, I always exit a store and head in the direction I just came from.

2) I have feet issues, a couple actually. I like my feet, all of my toes are in order. That is the toes all get progressively smaller starting at the big toe. Second toe is smaller than the big toe and all the way down the line. This is in my mind how toes should be and I often ponder how Papoosie Girl and Rosebud's toes will turn out, so far so good though. Other feet issues include my aversion to bare feet touching me, anyone's. Highchairs are designed for wee baby feet to constantly touch you, this I actually didn't mind but, keep those grown-up feet away from me.

3) I have a bit of the OCD thing happening. Mine is all about locks and the toaster. The toaster must always be unplugged when not in use. This does not extend to the coffeemaker or can opener or anything else in the kitchen, just the toaster. I have faked forgetting something to run back into the house to check the toaster. At night before bed I like to touch all the locked locks (front and back door) before going to bed. I also occasionally open our door to our garage to make sure the garage is shut but, that is only because hubby has been known to leave it open.

4) I like symmetry - a lot. I like stripes of any kind. I like my tea towels to hang just so which sometimes creeps me out and reminds me of that Julia Robert's movie with the insane husband she was trying to leave. I also like to dress the girls the same, I find it visually peaceful. If they are dressed different and I will be looking at them all day I find it a bit like a visual frat party. After our vacation last summer I discovered I am not the only person with this weirdness. Apparently, in terms of safety having the kids dressed the same is good for keeping track of them in large theme parks. So there.

5) I almost always go down the baby aisle at stores. I have no use for this aisle other than pull-ups but, I still browse through the baby food, formula, bibs and bottles. I am not sure why perhaps a sign I am not done this game?

6) Funny, I thought getting to six would be harder. I love cereal but, never eat it for breakfast. It makes an great bedtime snack or anytime I am hungry and am too lazy to make anything snack but, it is never eaten for breakfast. I don't like cold things for breakfast. If we go out I always order French Toast for breakfast and if we are at home I make toast. I don't like French Toast at home, yuck. Hubby has spent the last ten years trying to make French Toast in every possible way using every possible bread and I still hate it at home but, always order it out.

Is that enough? I hope so, since Rosebud has the getting up at 5am affliction going around and it is time for some shut-eye for this Mommy.

I don't think I am going to tag anyone since I have seen this everywhere but, if there is someone reading who has not been tagged, consider yourself it and go tell it on the mountain of weirdness.

Nighty night.

Co-workers

One of the things I missed immediately not working in an office (besides the bathroom breaks, lunchtime shopping sprees, and the ability to drink a hot beverage without reheating it five times) were my co-workers. I made so many wonderful friends and leaving them was hard. However, leaving the petty, snide, and adolescent antics of some co-workers behind was easy. There is so much more I could say about this but, I won't. I have prided myself on not trash talking when I have so much fodder it would fill a book, it serves no purpose. The friends I have made are a still part of my life and while it is not quite the same, we still try to keep in touch regularly.

My job, while fulfilling in so many ways, clouded my head with office politics type of nonsense that when you are in the thick of it the only way to describe it is; suffocatingly real. Then, once it is no longer a part of your life you can look back and only wonder why you shed tears over such absurd situations office life can place you in. Between finishing university and when I became a work-at-home Mom I worked about nine years marketing. First, at a hip downtown agency and then moving "client side" when I realized it is a long commute from Brampton to Bay & Bloor everyday.

I "left" my job under the pretense of an up-coming restructure and was given a package. It was truthfully however, nothing more than a conflict of personalities. The boss who hand-picked me to take the job, personally asked me to be a part of her team, walked me to the boardroom to be "restructured." To be honest, most people assume I left my job, and most of the time I don't correct them. In a way, I did leave first. I was unhappy, and was already looking for something else, and I am sure they sensed that. I was never let-go from anything in my life, the feeling of not being in control is unnerving and I had not really experienced it before. I think I handled it fairly well, no drama, no tears, emptied my desk, filled my bags, walked to my car, called my husband while heading to my best friend's house for lunch.

Once the shock wore off I adjusted to life at home quite easily, I was only back at work about six months after my one year maternity leave with Rosebud, before I was let-go. In my heart I had always entertained the idea of staying at home but, never really considered it in earnest. It just wasn't something I thought was possible, what about the bills, our lifestyle, how do you manage? In addition, my job had the benefits and pension so leaving seemed impossible. When I look back now, I realize that while my worries were founded they were not impossible to hurdle. We are making this work, and even though we are in our very small house and are making do with less we are still extremely comfortable, the girls take lessons, we eat out occasionally, we took a holiday last year; life is extremely good.

I worked exactly two years between my maternity leaves and during that time there was always a nagging feeling that my time was being wasted. This is not to spark any debate about being a working in the home versus out of the home argument. For me personally, things were never quite right. My job was interesting and in many ways brought me satisfaction and the feeling of contributing to a greater good. Once Papoosie Girl came along though things really changed for me. I was struggling a bit (mentally and physically) towards the end of my pregnancy and ultimately left work before I was supposed to, about eight weeks ahead of my due date. It is like my body was telling me something and in the end even though she was due on January 27, 2001, she made her debut before the end of the year. This meant I missed the one year maternity leave (by about 50 hours my nurses calculated) which was a real letdown. I ended up taking eight months off, the last two without benefits.

Once back at my job, and after adjusting to the new routine I realized that I felt something was not quite right. Everyone assured me that this feeling would pass as I adjusted to the routine, the problem I was adjusted and it was not right. I was busting my butt for artificial deadlines and was being convinced it really was the end of the world if this newsletter mailed one day late; based on a schedule that was randomly selected to start with. I know I am smart and I know I made great contributions to my job but, the investment I was making felt misplaced. I wanted to invest in my daughter, I wanted to focus on a different job security, one that ensured she would still be talking to me in her teens.

My decision to remain at home (for now) is the right one for me. I don't think I would have ever made such a bold move and in some divine way this turned out exactly right. The inflated feeling that you can never be replaced is washed away awfully fast when you are humbled in such a way. It was good for me though, to experience this let-down. It taught me that at the end of the day, you need to know who you are, what you are capable of and understand that no one can ever take that from you. Jobs may come and go but, you remain the same competent person you always were. The funny thing is I rarely talk about how my job ended. It is like it transpired and then vanished. Life has gone on, and in a good way.


So back to my current co-worker of the last (almost) two years at my working-at-home job. Who wouldn't want a co-worker who replaces track pants for a tutu or apron once in a while? Now that Papoosie Girl is in school all day Rosebud and I have really started to enjoy our pal around time together. Leisurely strolls, breakfast at Tim Horton's some mornings, and just generally enjoying each other's company. Then I get to pick up Papoosie Girl from school and hear all about her day. I have friends who would do anything to be in my place, I try very hard to appreciate how lucky I am, all the while trying to prevent my brain from melting.

I get invited to tea parties, for check-ups, puppet shows, and more. We spend time in her make-believe world and pretty much ignore the real one when we can. My schedule that I love to follow has been neglected (blogging is to blame more probably) and once in a while I don't even clean on Thursday like I am supposed to.

Rosebud goes to JK next year so I know the time for this is running out. I plan to get every ounce out of our time together before then. While the days are long the years really are short and I want this one to last forever.

Things heard around here

This blog was supposed to be about the girls so I guess I should try a bit harder to include them! Here are some of the things heard around our place in the last few weeks.

Papoosie Girl
To her father, "Yes, I have thought about Mom's birthday, I have a list in my purse I just haven't got around to it yet."
Umm this doesn't sound like me at all...

To me, "Actually Mom, I think I probably know more about this than you."
Even if this was true, whatever, I am your mother. The word actually, appears at the beginning of many sentences these days.


Rosebud
Referring to the top bunk of bunk beds as, "the tippy tippy top."

Calling various things, "Gwoss."

Referring to short sleeve shirts as the, "up sleeves shirts."

Calling everyone in her pretend play, "sweetie-hon", and repeatedly telling her dolls/me to, "not touch it, not a bit, I can see you."

Telling me her yogurt is, "Minigo-ish."

Asking me, "Can I talk?"
After non-stop chatter, and both of them trying to have conversations with me at the same time in our van, I will occasionally say loudly, "no more talking." After a while Rosebud will ask if she can talk, Papoosie Girl however, can barely last a minute.

Telling everyone she watches Y&R all day. I do occasionally, watch the Young and the Restless however, I record it and watch it when the girls are in bed. They have never seen it, ever. If you ask her what her favourite show is she will often answer with Y&R.
**************************************************************************
It is so hard to remember all the funny, silly, eye-popping things that come out of their mouths. I am grateful they are so curious and want to talk to me, but, there are times I am sure my head will explode.

When they are young all you want is for them to talk, so they can tell you what hurts, for peeks into their personalities, to understand them. When it happens however, it can be another thing. Today they start talking the minute their eyes are open and often as I am tucking in Papoosie Girls she is still trying to tell me a story about something.

Right now Rosebud is napping, Papoosie Girl is out with her Daddy, and I am savouring the gentle sounds of the radio. I know this is a short-lived silence and I would not have it any other way. It sure is nice though, thoughts pop into my head and stay there, I can hear myself think. A real treat in my world.

Dishing out the truth

I think you are either blessed with children that eat* or sleep, not both. Sounds fairly simple, right? It is, and after no scientific study whatsoever and lots of my opinion and me studying all of our friends with children, this is the conclusion I have come to about this topic. This doesn't mean that children who sleep well eat nothing at all, or that children who sleep poorly eat liver and onions. Just in general, children are more inclined to be better at one over the other. That is the way it is in our house anyway.

*When referring to eating this does not apply to the true baby stage of nursing or formula. This applies to when babies turn into toddlers and preschoolers and can voice an opinion on their food preferences.

Mine are sleepers. I have been blessed with children that more or less have slept fairly well from early on. By about eight to ten weeks both girls slept through the night. By this, I mean had a feeding around 10pm or 11pm then slept to 5am or 6am ate and went back to sleep for a bit more. They napped with great regularity with two solid naps a day then down to one. Rosebud at 3 years old still naps about two hours every afternoon.

That is not to say we didn't experience nights from hell. When Papoosie Girl had colic she slept wherever and whenever she wanted. That included, but was not limited to, the car seat, swing, and stroller. We took her for car rides to put her to sleep many nights. We also had teething set backs, nightmares, and changes in routine. When I returned to work after my eight month maternity leave, I slept on Papoosie Girl's floor on an inflatable mattress for a week, otherwise she screamed for hours.

In general though, whatever setback we experienced we were always able to get back on track. My girls went to sleep awake, fell asleep and stayed asleep with great predictability. Sleep was something that came easily and when it didn't we were able to tough it out and get them back on track fairly easily. I did let them CIO (cry it out) occasionally, and they generally slept by themselves in their own rooms. I am not a big Family Bed proponent but, I do have friends who do it and I completely respect their decision (especially for those nursing.) Personally, it is just not for me. One, I need my sleep or am not a functioning person and I was afraid I would roll on them or somehow squish them. While I wasn't a crazed Ferber follower we did follow that mindset when treating any sleep issues. The idea being we would help them figure out how to get to sleep as opposed to doing it for them.

So they sleep, great. Now everyone is mad at us. Not so fast, life cannot really be that rosy. Although they do sleep and go to bed by 8pm every night with absolutely no fuss we pay a price. Our food situation is not exactly as show-stopping.

Up until the age of two Papoosie Girl ate just about everything you gave her. She ate meat, veggies and fruit with no qualms. She was never a fan of peaches and pears (still is not) and did not like peas (I swear I had nothing to do with that.) She ate regular meals with regular food and life was good. She could eat an entire chicken breast and we started ordering entrees for her in restaurants because I was tired of sharing and starving. I remember being in a restaurant and another mother asking me how I got her to eat "real" chicken. At the time, I remember feeling slight smugness telling her she didn't even know what a "nugget" was. Of course, that same mother would see us now and laugh. Papoosie Girl did not have a potato chip until she was three years old. With the first one I was able to control what she ate fairly well.

At around the age of two Papoosie Girl started to become "picky". When I look back now I realize it was a gradual process and something that should have been addressed at the time, not now after the fact. First it was meat, then certain vegetables, then certain fruits. Soon she had a menu of about five foods she would eat and they were mostly some form of a white carb. By the age of three she lived on her Yia Yia's homemade chicken rice soup (her only meat), grilled cheese, pancakes, french toast, scrambled eggs, macaroni with cheese, spaghetti and Parmesan, and very few veggies or fruits and absolutely no meat other than what was in the soup. Oh, she loved cookies and treats but, healthy food choices were a struggle. She also had issues with texture and no matter how much we minced things she would just not be able to eat sometimes.

Our doctor was never overly concerned about this and said that the more you force the more a toddler will resist. He told stories of kids eating one or two foods for months and they were perfectly fine. So, between my internet self-diagnosis of the problem, his advice and parenting books all echoing the same thing, I didn't obsess too much, not an easy feat for me either.

By now Rosebud was born and we were busier and more tired and it just became easier to let her eat what she wanted. Most nights hubby works past the dinner hour so it would just be me and Papoosie Girl, it seemed to exhausting to make a lovely healthy supper for two that would be diligently ignored by one of the guests. I either ate what she ate with a salad on the side or whatever yummy food my mother-in-law packed for me at my last visit.

Rosebud followed a similar pattern of being a great eater until the age of two. Then the same gradual process started to unfold. During these two years I would go on a rampage even now and then and would cook only healthy food for everyone and insist they eat/try everything. This would last a week or so and I would get tired of tossing meals out and I would go back to making them what they wanted. I would hear of families that made one dinner for everyone and the kids ate everything the adults ate, I could lie, but that would not be remotely close to, "dishing out the truth." Truth was I did not make one meal, hardly ever. The only meal we ate together was (whole wheat) spaghetti, hold the sauce for Papoosie Girl. I personally know children who eat any and everything you put in front of them, I am always amazed to see kids scarfing down grilled salmon or asparagus.

As Papoosie Girl got older we started a reward system. If she ate meat or tried a new fruit or vegetable she got a sticker on the calendar. After 10 stickers - give or take - a trip to Woodbine Mall for some rides. This has worked very well with her and she now regularly eats many of the foods we originally tried. She eats fruit now and a few veggies and although meat is still a struggle we are working on it. Her personality is suited to this reward system and after many discussions about healthy eating and studying the food pyramid she gets it. She understands now that when we put healthy things in our bodies you become a healthy person.

This strategy has not worked so well for Rosebud. She is much more stubborn and not so much a pleaser as Papoosie Girl. You can put a box of Smarties on the table and tell her if she just tastes the orange she gets them. She will tell you, "I really don't like Smarties" and walk away. She will never have a fit or beg for the treat just dismiss the whole event. I even tried a fruit party with hats, balloons, the whole works, Rosebud would not try a single fruit. She will tell you she will eat it when she is bigger, maybe when I'm four she will say.

People always assumed we were giving our girls lots of snacks but, that was not the case either. They hardly ever ate between meals. We have friends whose children cannot go twenty minutes without eating something, whether it is fruit or cereal bars or Minigo. They are constantly eating something which is something my girls never do, in fact, they could easily skip meals if you didn't prompt them.

Where is this all going? I guess I am just trying to figure out how hard I want to draw the line in the sand. I have dear friend who grew up like me an only child and meals were a battleground. She vividly remembers sitting at the table gagging down food with her stomach in knots. All the focus was on her and she remembers the horrible feeling of staring at her plate night after night. I would never subject my kids to such torture of course, but is it say mean to force a few bites of a food I know they like? We have talked about healthy food, read books and made collages, painted pictures, and created food animals and people but ultimately, I cannot eat for them. This is a power struggle of epic proportions and I just don't want to engage that way with them.

There are no definitive answers here folks, sorry. I think we are on our way to a healthier eating plan but we have a ways to go. I am so proud of Papoosie Girl for trying new foods, I know it is still hard for her and I blame myself for letting it get so out of hand. I don't want to spend the rest of their childhood trying to figure out how to "hide and disguise" food. I want mealtimes to be about sometimes having your favourites and sometimes having things that are not your favourite. I try to not describe food as good or bad, just healthy or not really healthy. They both understand that before anything not so healthy can be eaten you must fill up on healthy first. They understand that they will be strong and well if they do that, but actually doing it is sometimes a struggle. I don't want food to be the enemy, I worry they will fall into bigger food issues as they get older.

I hope that Rosebud follows her big sister's lead and there are signs of progress, a couple of nights ago she ate some salad! Rosebud is suffering from some constipation issues right now after her five days of stomach flu the first week of January and three days later a fractured foot she has just not been eating or moving enough to keep things moving. The doctor told us today we have to put her on stool softeners and natural laxatives to help things along at least until the blockages move out. If this isn't motivation enough to get us eating better I don't know what is. Watching her suffer with stomach pain and a bloated tummy is horrible.

So, the sleepers want kids who eat and the eaters want kids who sleep once in a while. I just want two healthy little girls who enjoy meals. When Papoosie Girl gets excited about Raspberry salad dressing and Rosebud eats a huge bowl of whole wheat spaghetti covered in vegetable rich sauce I know I am doing good job. I want more of that and once in a while I think I would trade a good nights sleep for it. Well, once in a while anyway.

Then it was pink

We visited the Fracture Clinic today and we are with cast still. After a brief debate we settled on pink for our new cast. We go back again in two weeks to have it removed. So I remain Rosebud's chief form of transportation for a little while longer. I am booking my massage now.

As you can see she is not terribly concerned by it all!

Casting call

Many people comment that Rosebud is our "boy" something about her toughness that prompts this comment. I realize it is so ridiculous since we have so many sensitive boys and scrappy little girls around us (and vice versa for that matter) that it is probably all hogwash. None the less people say this to us. It is like they think I mind that I have two girls so having one sort of like a boy makes it better. I find it all kind of funny but, usually keep my comments to myself. Stay out of trouble that way.

If you knew Papoosie Girl you would know she is so stubborn (hubby's side for sure) she never backs down...she will fall on her magic fairy wand first. And, if you really knew her you would know she has two left feet. She walks into walls and trips over her own feet with great regularity. We actually put foam stripping around our half wall leading out of our kitchen since she used to walk into head first over and over. Hubby wanted to buy this foam helmet we found at WalMart when she was one or two and make her wear it all the time. We didn't but, many a goose-egg later we regretted it.

An example of her grace:

Papoosie Girl: I have to pee.
Me: OK go pee...
Walking up hallway completely empty, not a single thing on the floor.

CRASH!

Me: What happened!!
Papoosie Girl: I was walking along and then I fell. Sob. Cry.
Me: What?! What did you fall on?
Papoosie Girl: I don't know. More sob and cry.
Me: So you were just walking along and then you were on the floor?
Papoosie Girl: I think so.
Me: [In my head, good grief] Well, let's see the damage...big bruise on knee, hand is a bit mangled but you will survive. And, oh yeah go pee.

Now that she is six and wears glasses things are no better I assure you. So that leads us to Monday night. Never in our wildest dreams did we think Rosebud would be the first to break something. The whole event is so tragically boring - she jumped HOLDING her Dad's hand from the second last step to the landing. She immediately crumbled to the floor and from the look on her face and serious crying we knew something was wrong.

We put an icepack and gave her some Advil and after an episode of Max & Ruby she fell asleep on the sofa. Deciding not to move her we left her and she slept most of the night despite the bulge on the top of her foot. We debated taking her to ER then but decided to wait until morning and see how things were looking. In the morning the bulge was the same and she would not let us touch it or try to walk on it so off to ER we go. It was actually fairly painless, a bit of waiting, an x-ray, and the doctor telling us we needed a cast. Uh. Excuse me? She has a growth plate fracture, or Salter fracture I was told. She will need a temporary plaster cast and in a week they will take it off and re-evaluate. If it seems fine we are done, if not it will be re-casted for about 4 weeks. Yikes.

Have you tried bathing a child with a cast? My back is already spasming from carrying her everywhere. I know it could be so much worse so really I am not complaining, well, not a lot anyway.

Guess what else? According to the doctor and Google they occur twice as often in boys.

Meme too

Holy moly my first meme. Thanks Alpha Dogma for the tag...I feel a little sick following your glorious first attempt. If anyone thinks my first attempt pales in comparison come back after a few glasses of wine.

1. Do you like the look and the contents of your blog?
Actually, yes. I did a bit of tinkering the other day and I like the format (colours remained the same) and the labels. The labels are fun. Content is a work in progress. I like everything so far but, understand there is room (a few continents wide) for improvement.

2. Does your family know about your blog?
Yes and no. Whew, that covers it then?! My sister who is teaching in Seoul knows about it since one of my original reasons for starting my blog was for her to keep track of us. My hubby knows about it and that is about it. I have mentioned I have a blog to a few by accident but have never given out any info. I'm not really sure what their reactions would be and certainly don't want to find out. On a subconscious level I have kept it fairly neutral, there is always that "what if they find out" in the back of my mind.

3. Can you tell your friends about your blog?
As mentioned above I have told a few people by accident but, no none of my friends know about my blog in terms of how to find it.

4. Do you just read the blogs of those who comment on your blog?
Gosh no. I read tons, more than are on my blog roll and they have no idea I exist. I read what I like and that includes those who comment but, by no means is that all I read.

5. Did your blog positively affect your mind?
Oh yeah! I am insanely happy I can still string together a few sentences and cobble together something coherent once in a while. Mommy brain can be a silent but deadly condition.

6. What does the number of visitors to your blog mean?
They like me, they really like me! Seriously, it is so wonderful that someone would take the time to read anything I have written, then take the time to comment. It makes me feel all yummy just thinking about it. I have met the most wonderful people and for that I am grateful.


7. Do you imagine what other bloggers look like?
Not really. Although, I sometimes wonder about their kids. And, I sometimes think about running into certain bloggers at say the mall or a restaurant. How I would know it is them I am not sure. Then again some bloggers have posted their photos lately so maybe that is why I am not really preoccupied.

8. Do you think blogging has any real benefit?
Absolutely. If nothing else I enjoy it. My writing is improving, well maybe not to overstate, it is not getting worse. I am trying to get over my dash addiction - not easy mind you. Crappy punctuation pisses people off so I am trying to study all of Bub and Pie's posts.

9. Do you think that the blogosphere is a stand alone community separated from the real world?
Hmmn. Is this a trick question? Isn't it us people in the "real world" that make up this "stand alone community"? I'll leave this for the smart people to answer.

10. Do some political blogs scare you? Do you avoid them?
Honestly, I don't avoid them but I have never been to one either. I enjoy when mommy bloggers use their blogs for something other than poop stories once in a while but, I would never seek out a political blog. I guess the closest thing would be I love watching the Daily Show.

11. Do you think that criticizing your blog is useful?
Georgia peach. I bruise easily.

12. Have you ever thought about what would happen to your blog in case you died?
Not even once until I read this meme.

13. Which blogger had the greatest impression on you?
To be fair (which unfortunately makes me sound horribly lame) I had never visited a blog in my life until I found Catherine Newman's after she left Baby Centre. I was dazzled by this first introduction and I was not happy until I had my own. As for the present, I would have to say Bub and Pie. She captures life with such lively wit and serves it up with a depth of character that makes me embarrassed sometimes to even have a blog.

14. Which blogger do you think is the most similar to you?
Yikes. Well, since Alpha Dogma and I started our blogs at roughly the same time and stumbled upon each other, I will say AD. I do see myself in countless others, the good and the bad. I think that it what draws us in and keeps us coming back. The idea that you are not alone and there are parents all over feeling what you are feeling. It compels you to come back for more.

15. Name a song you want to listen to?
Right now? Why is this the hardest question? How about Green Day's Time of Your Life.

I guess it is my turn to tag someone but I think I have seen this on every blog I read. No tags for today just adding to the fun.

It's all about the shoes

Now I'm just toying with you.






I am not sure if I am more surprised that I wanted to do this or that I actually did it. I must say I still love my wedding shoes as important as that can be in the grand scheme.

I not only had to navigate my new digital camera, I had to get the photos out of said camera, and finally had to get them on here. For the record, there are very few people bloggers and non alike that would motivate me to go to such great lengths.

The way I see it is I will not have time to work on my Masters for many years. If I keep Bub and Pie happy then I will be much smarter without all the pesky textbooks, novels, studying and essays. I benefit greatly and appear oh so much smarter. Good deal right?!

For you Bub and Pie.

Upgrades

Sorry for any confusion today...

I have changed my blog over to the Google Account thing, added labels to all my posts, and started my very own blogroll!

In my very recent blog life I have been a bit neglectful (and frankly afraid of such things) so these are major milestones for me. Sorry if this has caused any readers to wonder if they slipped into another blog dimension as things changed around them.

The problem is this is sooo addictive I cannot stop. I think I have reached a level of satisfaction for now so hopefully no more major changes for awhile. Or, maybe not.

Back to business.

Wedding Shoes

This will make no sense for most readers, like there are so many! I promised Bub & Pie a photo of my wedding shoes. Creamy white Kenneth Cole pumps with silk Stephanotis flowers on them. I realize now that you can't really see them all that well. Maybe one day I will take them out of their box and shoot them up close, for now this is what I have.

I hope you can see how lovely they were. I still love them and my husband, both good I would say.

Mall Rat

Today I went to Sherway Gardens all by myself. Not in the sense that I needed to hold someones hand while driving or get permission to take the car but, alone. We sometimes visit this mall - the rich mall is what we call it. The moniker is simply based on the fact that there is no Zellers, WalMart or Dollar Store. There are stores you read about in magazines and lots of lovely pretty things to look at.

I had to exchange a Christmas gift from hubby and since Rosebud is still throwing up occasionally 5 days later we can't really take her out of the house. The girls love this mall though as it is one of the few left with water features. My girls are so easily entertained with a handful of pennies and these water features.

I remember when I was younger just about every mall had fountains and water. Fairview Mall had great fountains that raised and lowered and had nice marble around them (well it looked like marble) to sit on and admire the show. Scarborough Town had the coolest with miniature hot air balloons over the water that went up to the second story of the mall and back down again. Scarborough Town Centre also had a restaurant called Obie's and some of my fondest memories of my Grandmother are from breakfasts at Obie's on my weekends with my Dad. They used to give kids a paper crown with feathers to wear and at the end of the meal you could pick a ring (not sure what they did for boys mind you) from a bowl and boy did I love those rings! I digress, back to today.

Me at Obie's!

I suppose these water features are not exactly easy to maintain or the most hygienic so perhaps that is why so few malls have them nowadays. We enjoy our trips to Sherway and listening to the wishes the girls come up with - if they tell us that is. Papoosie Girl is very superstitious about the "telling" and the potential for the wish not to come true.

As I wandered around I had a chance to visit those stores that we tend to avoid or peruse very quickly when the girls are around. I had a leisurely browse through Williams and Sonoma and discovered that I am easily dazzled by pretty packaging and lovely scents. Who needs twenty dollar marshmallows? But, oh that gorgeous tin! After venturing into a few stores before heading home feeling a tad guilty for not exactly rushing, even after hubby suggested I get myself lunch and take my time I realized something. Why is it that even when I am alone do I notice every pregnant couple, family with a new baby, and families in general?

I was surrounded by so many people with babies and all I could do was think of things to say to them. To the expecting couple in Pottery Barn Kids no it will not matter that your linens have been discontinued, yes, those other bumpers match fine. Really, save your energy. Your life is about to change in ways you can never imagine, your heart will swell and break into a million pieces every day and it won't matter if your lavender bumpers are in the same linen family the first time junior barfs on them.

To all the couples with their brand new babies and million dollar strollers so shiny and new - just you wait. Junior may not be shrieking or grabbing or peeing on the floor but he will. That smugness of, look we can still shop and do what we want will quickly vanish once junior is a little more mobile.

But mostly what I think I wanted to say was, me too! To the Mom piling on more Goldfish on the stroller tray, to the Dad trying furiously to bend juniors ramrod body back into a stroller, and to the Mom so frazzled she declared they were leaving - now. I wanted to say I'm not really a woman of leisure, I don't have free time, I'm not really like this in real life, I'm, I'm a Mom too! It is so strange to me that this part of me has simply become me. It is so undeniably a part of who I am I cannot even separate for a solitary trip to the mall.

Does this mean I am lost I wonder out loud. I don't think so. I think I am exactly who I am meant to be. I will sleep later, I will read real books later, I will catch up on movies later, I will be the other me later or maybe never. Now I am Mom. With great pride I relish this role and all the angst, frustration, occasional boredom and profound fulfillment it brings.

My love for my girls causes me a physical ache and most of the time I operate with a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The moments of true bliss, walking along the beach picking up shells with Papoosie Girl as our cups burst with keepers with not a watch or a worry in site. Or, picking apples in the September sun, as Rosebud picks apples faster than anyone and fills her basket to the brim and proclaims with each apple, I am not eating any OK? These are the moments you cannot imagine even existing before you had children. They make the memories of your old life look like fading postcards. These are so real and vivid and the wide eyed lust for life evident on these tiny faces makes you wonder what you found so important before. Not that I don't have so many wonderful memories of the past but, none are so sharp and all encompassing as those with my girls and shared with hubby. We marvel that we made these girls, we made these miracles - imagine we did it twice!

They are the love of my life and even a trip to the mall can seem uneventful without them. It is funny what you can find at the mall these days.

Uncle Bill

Baptism Day 1971


This has been a very strange holiday season for us. My beloved Godfather known as Uncle Bill passed away suddenly on December 19, 2006. Suddenly, the week that was supposed to be last minute Christmas preparations, baking and shopping was turned upside down. I was grateful to make it to the hospital before he passed away...the last thing I told him was that I loved him and would come back after dinner. He passed away at 3pm there was no after dinner.

The last time I saw him was the week prior when he and my Godmother Aunt Lil dropped by my place after having lunch with some friends. He brought my girls the book Marsupial Sue that he got in his cereal box. Despite having grandchildren that numbered into the twenties I was always a very special part of this family. And in turn, my girls became a part of this.

We quickly made arrangements and Friday night held his funeral. Which, by all accounts was an upbeat kind of affair. Everyone had such nice funny stories to share, he would have loved it. My Aunt is coping so well although I am sure the shock of it all is still so fresh. She has been keeping busy and taking care of the endless paperwork that seems to accompany such an event. I will miss him so much, he was a second father to me and my Godparents doted on me in a way parents can't.

Our relationship was special. My parents divorced when I was very young and while both my Mom and Dad remarried when I was ten years old, my Godparents were my constant. Life goes on and there were more divorces a much desired brother and sister from my father's second marriage, and my Godparents. My Mom and Dad were friends with my future Godparents and they lived in the same apartment building in North York, on Underhill Drive. At some points they all worked with each other and they were fast becoming dear friends.

My Mom stopped by their apartment on the way to the hospital for tea. My Mom felt that at 6 weeks away from her due date she had plenty of time for tea despite the fact her water had broke. In the photo below she is in my Godparents apartment and on her way to the hospital! She crocheted the scarf and hat and my Godmother, Aunt Lil had a matching set. My Mother managed to make dinner, clean up and have tea before proceeding to the hospital. Unbelievable.

Mom on her way to the hospital


My Uncle Bill was at my Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation, trips to the zoo, trips to see Santa, my highschool graduation, my university graduation, camping, every birthday party, my wedding where he spoke for me, and all my girls birthday parties. All my friends loved Uncle Bill. When I was ten and broke my arm he drew with markers the most beautiful butterfly on my cast. I distinctly remember the fit I threw when the cast had to be changed. Of course, Uncle Bill drew me another. Hubby remarked as I started to look at photos that the only word to describe my Godparents love and attention was devotion. I was the little girl they never had and I knew it. Not in a bratty way I just new I was loved and doted on and felt extremely special. There is not a single childhood milestone they were not a part of which is remarkable. I was so lucky to have such a constant presence of love in my life. I wish it dearly for my girls. I worry they won't have that one special relative or friend that is their Uncle Bill and Aunt Lil.

Sweet 16 dinner at The Keg, note the earrings and necklace - not to mention the bad eyeliner!

It is Papoosie Girl who has been able to comprehend and digest this better than the rest of us with frequent proclamations of, "I'm sad for Uncle Bill" or "I'm sad that Aunt Lil is sad." Me too sweetie, me too.

Now it is well into the New Year and we must move on. As we struggle through the barfing flu at our house I am reminded that this too shall pass and in a week or so I won't even remember the 8 hours where there was at least one child throwing up every fifteen minutes. What I will always remember with love and fondness is my Uncle Bill with his earring, ponytail, his incredible artistic abilities and affection for a nice dark rum. How he could play the spoons and loved eagles and always dressed so spiffy.

Time will march on but Uncle Bill will forever be in my heart.

From a Distance

My favourite easy listening station has gone to the all Christmas all the time format. I have heard the Bette Midler song, "From a Distance" many times in the last week or so and each time I cannot get over how moving the lyrics are to me.

It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance.

At this time of year when some of us ramp up our involvement in our church and spend more time contemplating our faith I cannot help but wonder about this. I was raised a Catholic and my girls are going to Catholic school. It is my belief that while faith, morals and values should be taught at home and by example - I take comfort that my daughter's school is echoing what she sees and learns at home. My husband is Greek Orthodox and by all accounts was raised in a household of devotion. He however, finds his faith more in humanity as opposed to the Church. He believes that there is good in everyone (a notion I must admit I find hard to embrace sometimes). Faith is such a personal matter yet it is something we seek to share with others.

My Mom has always held along with her faith the belief that "everything happens for a reason". She firmly believes in a bigger picture we may not be able to understand and everything falls within this Divine plan. Again, this is something I find hard to fully embrace. Why would God take my father from me at age 48 six weeks after I got engaged? What good ever came of this? How could this be a part of any Divine plan? The two miscarriages we have suffered - this was supposedly, "for a reason". What possible reason could this be? Why would God take these babies?

I realize their are so many people in the world with much larger crosses to bear I am but a tiny drop in the bucket of worshippers on this planet. I am certainly no wise theologian or worldly scholar and do not have the answers - what I have is faith.

This time of year opens us up to reflection. Jesus is coming to save us and for this we rejoice. Faith is about having trust and confidence in something even if you cannot see it or touch it. Faith is about believing when you have no proof. My research and fact obsessed mind does believe and for this I am thankful. Some days this is easier than others mind you. Some days I just want to feel sad and angry and not really believe. Deep down though I know I still believe no matter how sad or angry I am.

God is watching us and for this I am grateful. I pray our loved ones no longer with us are at peace and are guiding us through the rest of our days. I love you Dad and think of you everyday. I see you in the faces of the granddaughters you never met. Proof in my mind that God is watching and blessing us every day.

Peace to all this holiday season.