Sunday, January 20, 2008

Much better, thanks for asking

A brief medical update to let everyone know I am feeling MUCH better. I have finished my latest round of antibiotics and although I have not been back to the doctors yet for my follow-up, I am feeling about a million times better. That was an awful two weeks that I don't care to repeat anytime soon and I am shocked at how it affected me, it was strangling the life out of me.

I have still resolved though to love myself more, to cut myself more slack. This is monumental for me and still quite a work in progress. Reading, Eat Pray Love has left me craving for more like it so I am searching out similar books. So far I have been recommended, The Secret (which previously I passed on) and Simple Abundance, which I swear I have read before. Clearly, it is working, I am so focused and relaxed and all.

I wonder though who among us could really up and check out of their life to go on such a pilgrimage? It feels selfish to even think about doing something like that. I think this kind of introspection and searching for one's true core borders on decadence, this type of self-exploration is perhaps better left for the young and free. I am not saying this is not worthwhile decadence, just not a realistic pursuit for me in this chapter of my life.

The window of opportunity for this type of fancy free exploration has passed me by. You need to forgo all else in this pursuit and I think you would be hard-pressed to find many Mom's able to do this. Whether the reason is financial (who can afford to leave their job?), emotional (who wants to leave their kids and spouse for months at a time?), we need to find a condensed version of the journey. Yes, that is exactly what I need the Reader's Digest version of finding one's true self.

My husband has always been supportive of me not being around. He loves to take the girls out shopping or running errands alone. He relishes his time alone with them. He leaves me to fuss around the house in complete silence or occasionally steal away to have a coffee and read a magazine. He has been telling me for years to go away with the girls or even by myself. 'Get away for a while' he tells me all the while I am imagining just how their hair would look while I am gone.

Of course he can hold down the fort, but money isn't exactly falling around me in a happy rain so there is also that to consider. A weekend away however, is entirely doable. I have gone overnight once with the girls, but was back home in less than 48 hours - it was one night after all. And we stayed in the city, by my definition that is not really away. It was fun though and so nice to do what I pleased, but that is not even entirely true as I was with two other people. Thinking about it now maybe going somewhere alone is just what I need. It feels scandalous to even think about it, stay-at-home Mom's just don't up and leave the homestead do they?

I can hear your murmurs, "her husband says go and she is complaining" let it be known I realize I am grateful to have such a supportive husband. It is one thing to think about doing something and actually doing it. A huge part of me is wondering if I can get past the trepidation and do it. It is my own reservations here that is the fuel burning wildly and keeping me from doing it.

I have prattled enough for one post. If anyone has read any good books that they want to recommend let me know. Have any of you tried to check out of the homestead with the sole purpose of discovering yourself? I would be interested in hearing about it.

For you Canucks don't forget the CBC Test the Nation: Trivia challenge tonight...I was the winner of the Language challenge (not by much though) so we are having round two tonight.

10 comments:

Omaha Mama said...

I'm so glad you are feeling better. December was so, so dark for me, while I was recovering from being so sick. And I was not taking care of myself, which I'm trying to change recently.

Your post makes perfect sense to me. What fun is a trip away if we have guilt? And there is always the guilt. Getting "away" does seem selfish, I totally get what you mean.

If you find the answer, please do share!

Life As I Know It said...

I loved Eat, Pray Love too. It made me want to pack up and go meditate in India for a few months. The author, of course, has no kids or spouse and has the type of job where she can up and leave for a year. In fact, they paid her to do it!
I loved the book, and was inspired by it.

Beck said...

Come visit me! We'll go to our town's (one) bar and it'll be fun.

Jenifer said...

Beck-I am pretty cheap date, never mind one bar, heck one or two drinks and I am pretty happy.

Don Mills Diva said...

I am glad you are feeling better.

Right now my priority is my family I really feel like I will do that kinda of traveling and indulgent introspection when I am retired. My grandmother traveled the world in her 70s, 80s and 90s - China, Africa, Australia and I plan to do the same.

Mad Hatter said...

That's the thing about Eat, Pray, Love and quests of that sort. They really do demand certain class standards and emotional distancing standards. Not only can I not afford to go meditate in exotic climes, the emotional toll of leaving my loved ones would be too great. That's not to say, Jen, that you wouldn't benefit from a nice little weekend away. I took one last spring in order to meet a few bloggers and it was just the ticket.

Mimi said...

Ahhh, yes! Because I was in university, and mostly single, for like, TEN YEARS I had all the time in the world to be moody and introspective and quest for my inner self.

Now I need just a wee break, you know? I spend 48 hrs with my parents in the city, no baby, and it was actually really really nice. I was refreshed. You should try it! You could come here! (I'm close!) Or, I should set you up with my sister - she lives in your town - she's always home with the kids, or at hockey, or grocery shopping ...

Alpha DogMa said...

I'm glad you're getting healthy again.

That's so funny -- wondering about the girls' hair if you go away. If I went away the dog would starve -- the husband NEVER remembers to feed her. AND he is still her favourite.

Haley-O said...

You KNOW I feel you on this post. I've been craving that vacation by myself. But, yes, how to go at this time in my life, when I have two kiddies who DEPEND on me? I'm living vicariously through Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love right now.... I feel such peace and joy when I read that book! Maybe when we retire, when kids our grown (or at sleepover camp) we can do a mini self-exploratory pilgrimage....

Christine said...

i saw the author of that book and she addressed that very thing. apparently she has gotten really hounded about how she is spoiled and how this type of thing can't happen for most others. her response was that she never intended it as a prescription for others at all. it was only HER journey and she is very aware of the privilege it was. she still believes the path to god and love can happen even in your own house, without ever leaving to go anywhere. it is just about wanting it and searching for it. . .

. . .I hope you can find your path, love.