From a Distance

My favourite easy listening station has gone to the all Christmas all the time format. I have heard the Bette Midler song, "From a Distance" many times in the last week or so and each time I cannot get over how moving the lyrics are to me.

It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance.

At this time of year when some of us ramp up our involvement in our church and spend more time contemplating our faith I cannot help but wonder about this. I was raised a Catholic and my girls are going to Catholic school. It is my belief that while faith, morals and values should be taught at home and by example - I take comfort that my daughter's school is echoing what she sees and learns at home. My husband is Greek Orthodox and by all accounts was raised in a household of devotion. He however, finds his faith more in humanity as opposed to the Church. He believes that there is good in everyone (a notion I must admit I find hard to embrace sometimes). Faith is such a personal matter yet it is something we seek to share with others.

My Mom has always held along with her faith the belief that "everything happens for a reason". She firmly believes in a bigger picture we may not be able to understand and everything falls within this Divine plan. Again, this is something I find hard to fully embrace. Why would God take my father from me at age 48 six weeks after I got engaged? What good ever came of this? How could this be a part of any Divine plan? The two miscarriages we have suffered - this was supposedly, "for a reason". What possible reason could this be? Why would God take these babies?

I realize their are so many people in the world with much larger crosses to bear I am but a tiny drop in the bucket of worshippers on this planet. I am certainly no wise theologian or worldly scholar and do not have the answers - what I have is faith.

This time of year opens us up to reflection. Jesus is coming to save us and for this we rejoice. Faith is about having trust and confidence in something even if you cannot see it or touch it. Faith is about believing when you have no proof. My research and fact obsessed mind does believe and for this I am thankful. Some days this is easier than others mind you. Some days I just want to feel sad and angry and not really believe. Deep down though I know I still believe no matter how sad or angry I am.

God is watching us and for this I am grateful. I pray our loved ones no longer with us are at peace and are guiding us through the rest of our days. I love you Dad and think of you everyday. I see you in the faces of the granddaughters you never met. Proof in my mind that God is watching and blessing us every day.

Peace to all this holiday season.

New Name

Just a bit of a blog construction. The name has been changed to just Rosebud and Papoosie Girl...the name seemed just a bit too long and cumbersome. These are nicknames their Nana gave each of them practically at birth. I have my own of course too, and while these may sound strange they are Rosebud and Papoosie Girl in every way.

Now the name is just right.

Words

These are some of the words Rosebud has used this week in no particular order:

barbarian
hopeless
disaster

Rosebud I might remind you is three years old! (Sorry for the misleading pic-no we don't have a prodigy on our hands-see note below) I think we are in big trouble if she can say and use these words in perfect context so soon. I am fairly certain these are all from The Little Mermaid her current fave movie. Papoosie Girl is still so scared of Ursula she can barely watch while Rosebud has it all figured out, "Mommy is Ariel's Daddy bad?" "No sweetie he is just upset because Ariel was late for the concert." Rosebud replies with, "Is Ursula bad or does she have a tummy ache?" If only all bad people in the world just had tummy aches. Can you tell I watched The National tonight while sitting at my laptop while dear hubby snored on the sofa.

I digress. While Rosebud has a wonderful and expansive vocabulary she still does have a bit of babyism clinging to her that I never correct...I just can't bring myself to. Not that I repeat them either, it is just such a little bit of baby left. It is all ending too soon as it is. Again in no particular order:

Are sir for Arthur
Max and Ruvy for Max and Ruby
speggy for spaghetti
quackers for crackers
hopsicle for popsicle

I know this is no great revelation and I am sure my other great blogger mom's could fill pages and pages with cute and adorable babyisms but the thing is these are so far and few between in my house now. I sometimes think I must do this again. The baby thing that is, so I can get it right and document every last detail so I will never forget. I have kept some form of book, journal and calendar at all times but it never feels like enough. Why is it when I hold a friends newborn and stare at that tiny person I think why don't I remember all this? The little ear like a fiddlehead, the downy head, the way they fit so perfectly in your arms. No answers folks. The jury is still out on this one.

Words brought me here tonight. And, I guess brought me more places than I bargained for. Wonderful wonderful words. Just waiting for the right time to escape. Rosebud no doubt feels the same way.


Note adorable baby picture of Rosebud cruising our halls in Papoosie Girl's doll stroller. Shameless chance for me to peek at our little cutie.

Why? Why? Why?

I keep asking myself why do I want to do this? This being starting my own blog. My initial intention was to keep a living diary of our family, just for us really. Then there is my sister in South Korea for the next year who we miss terribly and this seemed like a good way for her to keep track of us. So I jumped in, stayed up until 1am one night and poof I had a blog. Then I stalled-big time. I kept reading my ever growing list of favourites and commenting on (up until recently) just Catherine's blog but, never quite embraced my own blog. I read of blog burnout and became afraid before I even started...I kept thinking if this isn't rewarding or even fun then why do it at all?

Every time I read a great post on someone else's blog I think this is why I don't need to write anything about anything (except about my family) since there are so many other great blogs out there where I hear my own voice as I read the magic words. Words about things I think and feel. I say "yes!" that is exactly what I think about whatever the topic at hand is.


Then Catherine (Newman) asked the question recently and made me think about it all over again. These are some of the thoughts I shared on her comments when she asked the questions why do you keep a blog, why do you read other people's blogs, and does it all affect the way you parent or think about parenting. Tough questions with a lot of whys built in.

Some of the answers I came up with...

I started it to keep a living history of our family where everything feels so endless and fleeting all at once. I was completely inspired by Catherine's postings at Baby Center and her new blog. This is a slippery slope I have discovered. After reading only Catherine's posts for so many years I feel a bit like I over ate at the buffet by the gluttony of posts I am trying to read now. I read them because it is so personal and anonymous at the same time. I learn things, relate to people and generally take comfort in the fact that while we may not all be the same we all love our kids to death, are terrified daily of losing them, and generally can't even imagine life before them.

When I read great blogs like Bub and Pie, I constantly nod in agreement and say to myself I so hear you. These postings have always resonated with me in a way that nothing else ever did - kind of a kindred spirits thing without ever having met. These wonderful writers can put into words my feelings of deepest love, silliest worries, darkest thoughts and make it all seem so effortless.

So I guess the answer lies herein, blogs give you a sense of comfort that there are parents all over the planet going through the exact same thing you are going through. Reading and writing blogs heals your soul and is like a nice cool washcloth on your forehead all at the same time.

I KNOW I am a better and more mindful parent for having met these other wonderful families. I try very consciously to be more mindful and to remember we really do hold their hearts in our hands one of the most memorable lines I gleaned from Catherine.

Maybe I just have grand ambitions of becoming one of the "popular" bloggers but, I don't think so. I kind of like pulling my chair up to the buffet while I only bring an appetizer. There are so many great blogs to visit for now that fills me up while I slowly work on my corner of the blogosphere. I like the idea of preserving a living history, saving on therapist bills and the feeling I get from reading something so familiar I feel like the words have been pulled right out of my brain.

Not sure the "why" has been answered and not sure it matters. I have things to say and will say them from time to time. In the meantime I will shamelessly visit my favourites and work on getting my corner of the world up and running.

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Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends.

Amy this is for you

OK. This is long overdue but I am trying to figure out this photo HTML stuff. Have a look at my profile...a photo now. If this works there is no stopping me!

Nothing like diving right in...a month later

I have been a very bad blogger of late. Oh I have been reading my favourites, commenting on my faves, convinced my sister in Seoul to start hers oh and woefully neglected mine. It is my sincere promise to get this going for real this week.

Wish me luck!

Blog Two

So I'm no techie. I tried to make some minor changes on my first post which for some reason don't show up on the first page but do show up if you click on the Archives section of the posts. Oh well. Not really important just tidying up some of my thoughts.

OK. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by this new world I have entered here at Blogger. There are so many great blogs I want to read and am constantly impressed by my two favourites - Catherine Newman's and Bub and Pie (a fellow Canadian!) While I know I will never have a blog like Bub and Pie for example all I need for mine is my life and my kids - nothing more nothing less.

The writing around here is top notch and proves to me that this truly is a wonderful way to connect with other intelligent like-minded people. The sheer number of Blogs is staggering in a good way and I hope to eventually read them all. I can see how this becomes a happy addiction.

Girls are good this morning and our week watching Rachel continues. Calista is loving this and no doubt next week I will answer the question "Where's Rachel?" many times. Currently, they are playing dress-up beside me so a few more minutes for me to indulge.

I think it is appropriate at the beginning of my blog to jot down some random facts about the girls so I can start this journey of preserving our history. It is so fleeting and endless all at the same time. My next post will be just that and hopefully a photo or two.

All for now.

Blog One

Wow. My very first blog posting ever! My how times have changed-my highschool typing teacher would be so proud! I barely passed at (maybe) 52% because my pinkie was not strong enough to key on our manual typewriters. This blog is simply for me to keep a living diary of everything wonderful and not so wonderful in our family. I was inspired by Catherine and have followed her since her first entry on Baby Center.

This will be my attempt at documenting our life.

For my sister Amy in South Korea a chance to keep track of us in a way only random rantings can. I promise to "fix up my blog" as soon as I can. Stay tuned.